Little Black Dress, 2.0
The Little Black Dress is synonymous with versatility, style and timeless beauty. Legend has it that the LBD might even have some women feeling like their very own version of Holly GoLightly from the 1961 classic, Breakfast at Tiffany's. “It’s slimming,” my mother used to whisper in my ear as she watched me dress for a special occasion. “Special or celebratory occasions,” a client told me, “could be a date, a New Year’s eve party, a holiday gathering or even a Bar Mitzvah. Our family celebrated a lot and there was a specific “look” that was encouraged in our family.” She went on to describe the look as polished, put together, silhouette slim, in control of ourselves/emotions and always with a facial expression that conveyed happiness. The client joked and said, “my mother asked for a lot from that little black dress!”
“There was almost a preoccupation with presentation and physical form in our family,” the client went on to say. “Unsolicited advice was the currency in our family, nobody asked and yet there was more than enough of it to go around. We were rich in all the wrong ways. My mother always thought she was just helping.” I watched the client’s eyes fix, and glaze over with flashbacks of those childhood interactions.
The client continued to describe how the little black dress always came with strings, expectations and unhelpful messages about who she was, how she “should” be living and how she “should” show up for other people. As a result she felt invisible and never felt like she was making my own choices. She made decisions based on rules and expectations from others. She’d always identified as, and was considered to be the fat girl in the family. At 39 she is still uncomfortable in her own physical form, and the idea of the little black dress felt like a body-sized tourniquet that ultimately became the antithesis of its intent. This client began therapy to address feelings of imposter syndrome in life with friends, in the office with colleagues and dating men.
Sidebar - dear reader, in case you’ve always been confident, self assured, are rooted down securely in your identity, and have never danced with Imposter Syndrome; 1. good for you, 2. that’s terrific and 3. Just so you know…It’s that feeling one gets when one believes she is in over her head/unqualified/incapable in a performance situation, and feels worried/insecure/panicked that everyone can see it.
This client reported that the chief complaint which prompted the start of therapy was that she lacked the confidence to stand up to her boss or date men and this made her feel small, worried and sad.
Her struggles included feeling;
fear of being seen as pushy, disrespectful or rude toward others,
anxious about defending herself in the face of bad behavior from other people based on multiple experiences with previous bosses and toxic work environments,
excessive worry about clothing, how things fit her form and how appealing she looked to men compared to smaller sized friends.
ruminating about possibly being the only fat woman in any room, and the socially and familial constructed messages she had internalized as a child that supported the negative and punitive thoughts about her form.
fixated on trying to please people around her with acts of service and by staying compliant and accommodating.
A significant disconnection from her own feelings that taught her to learn how to speak in cliches, motivational mantras from Tik Tok and bumper sticker inspiration.
This client acknowledged she was lost, and has been working on metaphorically stripping out of that little black dress to rebuild a true version of herself.
We are all a work in progress. It’s OK.
As always, this is not clinical or medical advice or treatment. Readers should seek professional help and consult with a doctor if you are concerned about your emotional well-being, health or safety.
